I know I’ve touched on this before, but heartbreak can really be a pain in the butt.
If you’ve never had your heart broken, whether it be by someone you thought you loved, a missed opportunity, or just a crazy accident, then just wait. It’s coming.
Heartbreak doesn’t always look like heartbreak immediately, too. And you don’t always immediately feel its sting. I would argue that the further you get from whatever event breaks your heart, the more it sets in and the more it’s wrath is felt. Whether that be a text message that goes unanswered, eating a meal alone, or realizing that you don’t have someone to laugh at your bad dad jokes.
Heartbreak can come in many forms, too. In my experience, heartbreak can mean taking the long way home just so you don’t have to go home to an empty house (or so you can drive by theirs one last time). Heartbreak can mean you’re laughing one second and doubled over crying the next because you saw something that provoked a memory. Heartbreak can mean listening to one artist on repeat for a week because you feel like the songs are written just for you. Heartbreak can mean struggling to get out of bed.
However, in heartbreak (or any tragedy for that matter), I think you are capable of the most personal growth. In my heartbreak, I’ve learned what I crave most out of my professional and personal relationships and what my limits are. I’ve learned what it’s like to pick up the pieces and put yourself back together over and over, because no one will do it for you. I’ve learned what it’s like to feel rejected, and what it means to finally understand that rejection isn’t necessarily personal. I’ve learned what I’m capable of achieving, and chasing after it. Just to name a few.
In my heartbreak, I’ve had to apologize a lot. For a lot. I learned the hard way that the saying “Hurting people hurt people” is true.
I finally realized though that the person I needed to apologize the most too was myself.
I stopped treating myself the way I knew I should be. I stopped doing things that I knew I should be doing and consequently started doing things I knew I shouldn’t be doing.
For that last sentence alone, I’m grateful for my heartbreak. I’m grateful to have had the shadows in my life come to light. I know I’m not perfect. I’m (very) far from it. I’m just grateful to be able to learn in my heartbreak and grow into a better me.
This post isn’t fuzzy or warm. There’s just something cathartic about putting words onto a screen out in the universe and being vulnerable with people you know (and those you don’t). So thanks for letting me be vulnerable. Thanks for letting me share my heart. Thanks for letting me be me in my heartbreak.